we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Dick very happy bro
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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