I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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