nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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