She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
