WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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