Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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