I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
