his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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