Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
whose parrot is this?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
