Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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