just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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