im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
