Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?