I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
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Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
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blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.