No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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