Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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