its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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