He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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