making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
