U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
