Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
