I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
