My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
