i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
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I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
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just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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