Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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