My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
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Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
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You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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