I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
