Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
