My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
