Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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