you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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