I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
