After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
