I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
