My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Enjoy the penises
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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