I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
