I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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