so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
