Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
