i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
