walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i drank out of a bidet.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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