I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
