Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
