I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
