FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
