My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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