I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
