Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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