Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
