singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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