the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
