You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
