u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
