i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
