my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
