the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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