Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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